Saturday, April 29, 2006

Skippy's List additions

I'd sent this out some time ago, so long ago that I'd forgotten I'd done it. These were my additions to Skippy's List that's been going around the internet for some years, entitled 213 Things Skippy Can't Do In The Army...

These were things that I'd done personally so I figured someone else might get a chuckle out of them. Recounting these stories, I get a lot of questions about how I was able to get an honorable discharge, think it was the army's way of quietly getting rid of me ;)

1) must not make voodoo dolls of the chain of command out of c-4 when on the demo range. (c4 is like a cross between playdough and paper mache')

2) must not make a shaped charge out of 18 kilos of c-4 even if the engineers keep handing you the blocks to use up. (they come in 1 kilo blocks, 35 blocks per crate)

3) just because the the cows wander onto the live fire range doesn't mean it's ok to fire claymore mines at them. (ft. hood is grazing land leased from cattle ranchers, very often steak was served just after such incidents)

4) must not send the new private around the motor pool looking for a BA-1100-November. (if you write it down it comes out to be BA1100N)

5) must not send same private to the armoror for a blank adapter for the 25mm Bushmaster Cannon. (it's a dust plug not a blank adapter, fire training rounds not blanks)

6) must not send the same private to ask a SFC about the new commo unit called the "prick e-7" (the commo unit they think it is, is called an AN/PRC-77 "prick-77" for short and a SFC's rank is an E-7)

7) must not have the newbies test the shocks on a Bradley Fighting Vehicle, even if they are an especially large soldier they will not budge a 23 ton track. (although you can get him jumping up and down on various parts of the track as long as he's using 3 points of contact)

8) must not pretend to get drunk and confess that you're C.I.D and was sent through basic training again for a good cover. (C.I.D is Criminal Investigation Division, kind of like Internal Affairs meets Vice Squad)

9) Infared Chem lights aren't defective nor do they need their batteries replaced. (most people are use to seeing the green snap and shake lights, when they don't light up, they get puzzled.)

10) must not pass gas next to the vehicle air filter intake when the turret crew has their pro-mask on and hooked up to the said system. (I don't get mad, I get even, at dinner time if the other crews saw me loading up on chocolate milk, they knew something bad was gonna happen especially since i'm lactose intolerant)

11) must not have the new privates test for soft spots in the the armor with a 5lb ball pin hammer, mark the spot with an X in white chalk so the mechanics can come down to fix 'em. especially right before a brigade inspection. (was a good excuse to get out of the b.s. activities associated with the inspection having to take it to the wash rack to clean off all the x's)

12) must not tell your Lt. the reason you can move through the woods quietly is because you're hunting again, only the prey has changed. (it may have been true but kind of unnerved the rest of my squad)

13) must not soak the pro-mask filter in water of someone you don't like right before you go into the gas chamber. (they work on a positive pressuse system, since a wet filter blocks all air, no breathing, the mask comes off pretty quick and tear gas is rather uncomfortable)

14) must not procede to demonstrate that c-4 makes a good fuel to cook with in the field, makes the engineers edgy when you put a flame next to c-4. (burns clean just don't stamp out the fire, c4 takes both heat and pressure to go off)

Oh, if I think about it some more, there are a whole lot more stories I could come up with that'd make you wonder how I survived my enlistment without undergoing a psychological evaluation.

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