Thursday, January 12, 2006

Thoughts of a romantic at heart

Haven' t had too much time to think of things to say, been rather busy making arrangements for schooling/training, have just enough time left to use up my GI Bill before I loose it. So here's a little insight into my head. The thoughts are honest, i was typing as fast as I could to capture what I was wanting to say. It is unedited so it's got gaps in trains of thought etc. This occured a week or so before christmas when RR messaged me and was feeling low. We'd chatted for a bit before she had to leave to prepare for work, but my mind kept churning so I sat down and composed this email to her.

There's a lot I can say, but in the end, it still won't alleviate the fact that you are hurting. I wish there was something I could say to make it ease, but there isn't is there. I can empathize with what you're going through, everyone you know and tying you to a spot are leaving. If you believe that to be a sign, then it must be, it sure was for me when I left South Carolina, I went through the same thing. I know things must feel pretty low for you right now, hell of a time for all this to be happening, but this time of year really brings out the best and worst in people. If this must be a low spot for you, then remember it can only be up from here on out.

There is a lot I'd like to share with you, I've learned a lot in the time we've been on this earth, but that comes from studying people, watching their behaviors or their actions. While I've seen and learned a great deal, there are times when I feel lost, that while I'm a spectator, life is a participation event. I know a lot of what I can say is rational and probably good advice, I am reluctant to share it, rather hypocritical of me to be dispensing advice on subjects that I really haven't experienced myself.

Part of that is why I will only share with you that which we could be on a similar level, having gone through a similar situation myself. I know nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it, why I felt bad sharing with you the 'there is no good bye in Tlingit'. It's true, but it's also a part of a coping mechanism for myself and others who have gone through many losses, most of them permanent.

I know you must be feeling like your heart's going to explode or your lungs going to collapse under the tightening feeling going on in your chest, I know, I've felt it myself. While my relationship with angel may have been mostly for show, doesn't mean there weren't feelings there. Each and every time I would visit her on leave and have to return to base, I would go through the same thing. I never knew exactly when I'd see her again, sure we had leave time in the army but it was never locked in place or subject to change depending on what was going on. Those were times when I seriously thought about going AWOL, despite my feeling of dedication to the army. The only words of comfort I can offer now is simply I will be there for you if you ever need me, now or in the future.

The heart is a remarkable organ, no matter how many times it breaks it will rebuild itself, and in those pieces it will be stronger then the whole. I know you have a good heart, a strong heart, a kind heart, it will eventually show in what all we do, and I've had the brief opportunity to glimpse at the person you really are. I know in the past you've had to wonder if I wasn't saying these things for a reason and the reason you suspected was to get in your pants. I can't honestly say no it wasn't the reason, I'm a guy after all, no matter how much I try to defy stereotype.
However, beyond a guy, I’m an intellectual, I like to see what goes on between the ears, behind those lovely eyes and deep down in your heart. To me, that is where the real magic happens. To care only about what's between your legs, well that's just crude, and I would say if that's all a guy ever cared about he would be missing out on a lot and the best parts of you.

I've also figured out that the confusion that exists between what I say and how you interoperate it is the differences between how we were raised and the culture we were raised within. To me giving is a natural part of life, the Tlingit culture is steeped in tradition of giving, which is the stand point I’m coming from. I have an idea that you view that there is no gift given without some sort of expectation in return. To me that defies the definition of a gift, that which is given freely without expectation of return.

Why I do it you must be asking yourself, well it's both complicated and easy to explain. I know the person you are underneath, but I also know that you've had a rough go of life and that you must be feeling that it is becoming futile to hope and dream. Disappointment is a strong emotion, one that can lead us down many a dangerous path.

You know, just once I'd really enjoy seeing one of your dreams come to fruition, once it does things will click and you will realize it is ok to hope, to believe and once that happens things will really change. What I do is like a farmer, I plant a seed and tend to the plant as it grows, so that once it blossoms the whole world may enjoy the beauty. That inner beauty I see in you, once that blossoms, it will be a gift upon the world, that is why I do what I do.

I know you must think I'm crazy to love this ideal that I hope to see you become, but part of life is risks, and to risk love is to risk not being loved in return. But it's something I feel I must do. You may wear your heart on your sleeve, well mine is locked up in a vault under heavy control. There are times I'm glad it's there, but others well, I get the feeling that if I don't really feel anything, how can I be sure I'm still alive? I've been hurt before yes, it's effected me deeply that's true, but doesn't mean I should give up entirely. I guess ultimately what I'm wanting is a chance to prove that not all guys are as bad you feared, just as you've helped renew my faith that not all women are like those I've encounters with.

Just remember, no matter where you go in life, you'll have a friend in me that will always support you no matter what you've chosen to do as long as you feel you're following your heart.


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