Monday, December 12, 2005

why I returned to Alaska

I’ve been asked why I returned to Alaska after living in the “real world” for so many years. The answers are numerous but to boil it all down to the nitty gritty, I came home to heal. I’d been gone so long that I began to loose touch with my roots, where I came from, the person I once was, I’d strayed from the path I wanted to walk. Before I returned to Alaska, I had a hard time shaving in the mornings because I couldn’t stand to look at the person in the mirror and hating myself more and more that I’d let myself become the person I had.

Of all this, I only have myself to blame. Some of my straying of the path came from being curious, to wonder if I could do what I’d seen people around me doing, if I could be your stereotypical guy and treat women like an object instead of as a person.

I’d become shaken in my belief of self, if I could truly stick to my moral ground the way I was so sure of myself in years past. What I’ve discovered on my time of reflection over the past year is that as long as I question myself and my abilities I will stick to my guns, but as soon as I become self assured again that I am infallible, I will begin my fall.

On a lighter note, I returned home for the scenery, for the ever green trees, the smell of fresh air, the smell of decay the mud flats give off when the tide is out, the plethora of flowers and plants that lend their fragrance that is called nature. I’ve grown up on the water of the Inside Passage, I’m surprised I don’t have webbed feet, although I didn’t do much swimming, I do have an almost sixth sense about navigating.

There isn’t much water in the form of lakes and rivers in central Texas, nor is there much rain. All this on a young man who grew up in the temperate rain forest known as the Tongas National Forest, where we see an average of 180 inches of precipitation a year and lived in a house that is maybe 10 feet above sea level of Port Frederick.

Part of my actions that made people question my sanity came about when there would be rain, I was very often out just standing in it or splashing about in the puddles in the parking lots. This enjoyment of rain I used to a tactical advantage as well, when it’s cold and wet your average person doesn’t want to stand guard nor be alert, the perfect times for infiltration for those who don’t mind a little discomfort.

I am something of an idealist, I think most native Americans are that join the military. I’ve heard it discussed that they joined the military to preserve the union, so that all the pain and suffering that has been forced upon the various tribes over the centuries will have a purpose. On top of that, I’ve always felt drawn to the code of chivalry from medieval Europe and to the Boshido (way of the warrior) the samurai followed in feudal Japan.

So there you have a basis for some of my ideal self, not to mention that my standards for conduct have always been high, much higher then most people realize. Perfection is always my goal, excellence is my standard. This philosophy tends to show through in my work effect, especially if I believe in the job I’m doing.

I still have a long ways to go, but I’m well on the path to rediscovering the person I once was, who enjoyed the simple things in life.


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